377 Thoughts

Last night was good. Last night I went to sleep excited.

Today is a bad day. That’s the best adjective I can find right now.

It hasn’t been long since I came out of the closet. At least, not according to me.

Now, I feel scared, it’s kind of like being back in the closet again. What will happen now when I tell people that I’m bisexual? Even before I had come out, when people would say something homophobic, I would say, “What, it’s legal.” Now when I come out, I guess they’ll tell me that it’s illegal.

I don’t want to go back to India right now. Not ever. What about the pride parades? Will the people be beaten up if they dare to go out and march?

I’m thinking about the fastrack ad. So much effort over three years down the drain. So much happiness over nothing.

I’m thinking about the article I wrote about my experience of coming out that is due to be published on one of the Indian LGBT+ sites. Having it published now will feel like ‘underground activity’.

Not so long ago, when changing the rape laws, the judiciary declared that marital rape is not illegal because that would be against Indian traditions. Consensual sex between two adults is illegal if they belong to the same sex. They will be tried and imprisoned. But a man can go ahead and rape his wife as much as he likes, the judiciary has got his back.

Being a woman, being bisexual, the Indian judiciary has disappointed me in many ways. Not because I expect to be raped by a future-husband, not because I will now not be making love to a woman if I want to. But because it has failed me. Because of my gender and sexual orientation, it has deemed me lesser than a complete Indian citizen.

I am infinitely grateful that I’m far, far away right now. Living between the borders feels good. I feel safe. And I have a lot to say to the next person who tells me to be proud of my country.

Disclaimer: Β I do enjoy some privilege in India given that I am Brahmin and I belong to the middle class.

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